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The Vent is part blog, part rant, and possibly totally offensive to some. I will present topics in the manner I feel is most appropriate. This may involve language, ideas, or opinions that some may find offensive. If you think this may include you then please head back and enjoy the rest of the website. For those that continue on I hope the articles inside inform, or at least entertain. |
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Up next I've got your 4 inches right here
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30 May 2008 Innocence Lost, or Everybody wants some Well it had to happen sooner or later: I am no longer a virgin. That's right, and just two months shy of my fortieth birthday. My deflowering took place at work and was totally unexpected and unwanted. One minute I am going about my business with my honor intact and the next I was in pain and thinking about what I had lost. Like most first times it involved some tearing, bleeding, and profanity. It was also over before I knew what was going on and I was left flooded with emotions, like shame and regret, and questions. How could this happen to me?! What would I tell my family?! How would god judge me? In retrospect I guess I really was asking for it. I had just fed the Staurotypus salvinii some pinkies a few minutes earlier when I decided to change out the water in their pond. It seemed the drain was clogged and I reached my hand in to check it (cue the Jaws music). As soon as my hand broke through the duckweed at the surface it was seized by the area between my thumb and forefinger in the piercing jaws of a large female Chiapan Musk. At least it was a female; I aint one of those guys that goes around getting bit by male turtles. Though she didn't recognize the hand that feeds her, she luckily realized I wasn't suitable prey and almost immediately let go. But, the damage was done. I pulled my bloody hand from the water while hurling invective at the turtle in particular and the universe in general. It is now a week later and all physical evidence of the incident is gone, but the psychological damage remains. Perhaps with time, therapy, and beer I will feel better about it all, but I can no longer claim to have never been bitten by a turtle and that is something I will have to learn to live with. I just know that penetration of my dermis by a turtle's jaws is not for me. You wont catch me with a chicken-blood soaked hand dangling from my kayak or swimming in the springs wearing lace gloves filled with shrimp. I have seen the light. In fact I and am a born-again-bite-virgin. Seriously, though, while I was a little pissed to get nailed after so many years I did find the incident interesting. I don't know if she saw my shadow coming in, or if she was just below the surface primed to strike. Its enough to know that even if you can't see them, they may be there waiting, watching...moving in for the kill. |
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07 May 2008 Gaia in Heat Is the earth, that's the planet we live on for the public school educated, heating up? I would have to say it's a definite "I don't know". To paraphrase Dr. McCoy, Dammit Jim I am a biologist, not a climatologist! I haven't looked at at the data or the models, as if I would have a basis of judging their validity if I did. All I can say is that it seems possible to me. It is pretty obvious from what I have studied in the past that the composition of the earth's atmosphere has changed throughout its history due to geologic, biologic, and solar activity. All three have an effect on the earth's climate. The real debate and denial seems to center around whether mankind is responsible for this alleged increase. For quite some time we have been pumping carbon and much less pleasant things into the air that increase heat absorption and retention. Not to mention damage the ozone and your lungs. You might say "well volcanoes do more damage than we do", or "the sun is on a hot cycle". Maybe so, but volcanoes and the sun are beyond government regulation at the moment. What we do is additive and may exacerbate the situation. Is it happening now? Many say yes and fewer and fewer are saying no. Is it caused by us? Again many say yes and I do not find them to be human-haters or anti-capitalist whinging lefties, though some surely are. It does seem like most of the deniers that I have heard are not scientists and are in the pocket of industry though. So I remain undecided and frankly unconcerned. One thing that isn't swaying me on global warming are the commercials. There are a couple of them out and they all suck. The first and most annoying is the Benetton Kids of Doom. The one with the multicultural TICK kids reading a list TICK of impending disasters TICK while they TICK keep TICK playing TICK the TICK louder TICK. This commercial rates right up there with the "truth" ads against smoking that make me, a life long nonsmoker, want to smoke. In fact they make me want to follow the "truth" actors around blowing smoke in their face in the hopes that they die of second hand smoke. I know I am supposed to come away thinking (or maybe unthinking) time is running out and these kids are the future. I need to do something to protect them. "We have to save the children". Instead I am left thinking; are these kids climatologists, or are they somebody's little mistake that landed an acting gig? It also makes me want to say "Ok first order of business to combat global warming is give up the style of living that you candy-ass self righteous spoiled little shits are used to and if I hear a single complaint I will beat you with a heat-stroked penguin. The other ad has two versions so far. Each of which features two individuals on a couch that are supposed to be opposites philosophically, but that are united on this issue. However, upon closer examination they turn out to be the same in that they both are pointless pinheads. The first has Al "race warlord" Sharpton and Pat "the retarded keebler elf" Robertson on a couch near the ocean. Both men of the cloth. Money has fibers in it right? Al hardly seems the environmental type. God only knows what that hair straightener he uses is doing to the environment. Perhaps it was global warming that raped Tawanna Brawley, or maybe global warming unfairly targets his many marches. Racist weather. By the by, how does he stay so fat with all his marching. Where is he marching to, Burger King? As for Pat, what does he care about what happens 50 years from now? Isn't Jeezums coming any day now to punish the wicked? Maybe global warming is all part of HIS plan? Or maybe you are full of shit Pat? The faithful will get raptured and the unbelievers will remain on earth and have their balls stick to their legs. No, this commercial doesn't convince me of the importance of global warming, it convinces me that there is no involved god. If there was a caring god, a tsunami would have come up from the ocean behind their sofa and washed these two turds out to sea. The second version features Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingerich. Pelosi has the body language of a small abused dog and often looks as if she would piss herself if you spoke loudly to her. I have found everything else she has to say irrelevant so I don't know why this should be different. Nice to see helmet hair Gingerich taking an interest in the environment now that he is out of government and has no power. He sounds intelligent when he isn't playing to the Republican base. If the climate predictions are true it may turn out to be pretty interesting. Its not every day that you get to witness catastrophe on that level. This would be a first in recorded human history. I mean the last lifeforms to witness something of this magnitude might have been the dinosaurs. I wonder if some of the smarter dinosaurs, raptors if my Spielbergian dinosaur knowledge is correct, contemplated the object in the night sky that grew in brightness night after night. Maybe the religious among them thought it was Scalius, messenger to the gods, bringing them news. Others might have thought it was the birth of a new star. Perhaps one of them realized it for what it was and did what was necessary. Namely cheating on his raptor wife and running up his Chase Pangaea credit card. |
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10 January 2008 The OSB - Office of Sneaky Bastards I am going to pretend I am a radio DJ and steal an idea of Howard Stern's, namely the C-I-A*holes. Years ago this designation was given to listeners that called Stern to rat out guests that had bad mouthed him on other shows, report stations that had cut and bleeped out parts of his syndicated broadcast, or tell on staff members that were acting badly in public. Over the last years a few unofficial informants have reported unauthorized use of material from my site to me. Such as: the Kansas City Retard Depot using pictures from my site to sell their animals, and a well known corpulent political commentator using one of my pictures in his blog to name just two examples. Oddly enough KCRD took weeks to pull my pictures, but the blowhard's staff immediately added a photo credit that indirectly got me a few thousand hits. Now I am officially looking for some Empire Informants. Think of it as henching-light. It incorporates all the fun of telling on someone with the freedom that comes with anonymity. If you catch someone; bad-mouthing this site, using my pictures, or even using some of my content (weak as it is) without credit - feel free to contact me with the specifics. I will deal with the situation and post the details here if it warrants. You will get credit under your codename (your choice) and a badge of some sort. Now I just have to come up with a better organization name and some badges. |
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05 October 2007 Dude You Rock!!! No Dude, You Suck!!! This website currently contains over 150 pages and is continuing to grow. It is quite possible that there are pages here that no one will ever check out (like this one), but they are here just the same. There are, however, two pages you will never see on the Empire; a guestbook and a customer feedback page. Here's why. While I would probably hear from more people if they could leave a message in a guestbook instead of having to send me an email, because some folks might not want to start a conversation and others might be apprehensive about their email address ending up in the hands of a weirdo with a website about turtles. No doubt, I would undoubtedly also hear more from the poo jabbers of cyberspace. A certain breed of turd spelunker loves to wipe their stink on guestbooks, be it retarded opinions or links to websites with popups and viruses. Their hope is that it will take some time before their fecal leavings are noticed and removed. In the meantime their nonsense is on display for all to see and, to add insult to injury, on my dime. I'm just not interested in having to patrol a guestbook and I don't have time to joust with tools. There is turtle work to do and enemies to crush (as always I am looking for henchmen - see below). I do like to get email from visitors to my site and I have met a few interesting people this way. I always like to hear that someone found something on this site useful. Most mail I get is positive, occasionally some is critical and I find these useful too. I save the positive ones in a file until the day when there are enough that I can spread them out and roll around in them naked. The negative ones get printed out on the most absorbent paper I can find and suffer a far worse fate. I will never create a customer feedback page because I think they are useless. First, there is no way for site visitors to be sure that any positive feedback is even real. Many feedback sections read like the internet equivalent of Penthouse Forum. I mean in regards to their believability not in their sexual content. Not to say that plenty of people aren't being screwed via online stores. Second, does anyone think that negative feedback is going to end up on there? Of course it isn't. Only the most glowing sphincter lathering praise is going to be posted. So since a feedback page is of no real use to the site visitor the only reason I can see to have a feedback page at all is to say LOOK AT ME and frankly this whole website is a giant LOOK AT ME. Any more would just be gratuitous. Visitors will just have to form an opinion of me and my website on their own without it being colored by the filtered input from others. For unfiltered input on me and any reptile person you think of doing business with check out the Board Of Inquiry (BOI) on Fauna Classifieds and "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" on Turtleforum.com. |
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03 June 2007 How to Make a $mall Fortune in Reptile$ Step One: start with a large fortune and work your way down from there. Ok that isn't the answer people want to hear when they ask me that question, but it is the most reliable way of making a small fortune in reptiles. The more serious response is usually no more satisfying. As an aside, a quick glance at my bank account balances quite convincingly proves that I am not the person to ask about making big money. However, I have been around the "business" long enough to understand the basic route you need to take. Here it is in five easy steps; free of charge, no obligation, no books, no tapes, and no magic pills to buy. Step One: Be on the cutting edge of something big. If you have paid any attention to online classifieds or visited even one reptile show you have probably noticed that the big money seems to be in morphs, or morphological variants. These are animals that differ in appearance from the norm. This is often due to defective genes and a degree of inbreeding. Some examples are; albinism, piebaldism, religious fundamentalism, hypomelanism, and striping. So find a reptile morph that you are sure many will want and that few (preferably no others) are working with. The closer you are to the beginning of the fad the higher the possible return on your investment. Step Two: Now breed the hell out of it. For rural folk - I mean to others of its own kind. I don't know that there is much money to be made in human on reptile bestiality (if there was the industry leaders would likely be in either Florida, Germany, or Japan). Now, unless you happen to have a pair of mutants you are going to have to breed yours to normals and then breed back to get the genes into sellable offspring. This might take some time depending on the age of sexual maturity of the species you are working with and how many genes are involved (assuming that its appearance is hereditary) and whether the genes are dominant (maybe even incomplete or co-dominant), or recessive. Also a factor is the degree of inbreeding in your project. The more direct inbreeding you do the faster you get all the genes into offspring. But too much inbreeding is bad. Its hard to say how much inbreeding can occur in reptiles before deleterious effects are seen. In humans, if any of the offspring proclaim "the earth is only 6,000 years old" then you know you went too far with the inbreeding. Step Three: Think up a name for your morph that will appeal to the average tard, but will be steadily more annoying to normal people the more they hear it. To get some ideas, check out what Corn Snake and Ball Python breeders have done. I am just waiting for someone to produce a solid dark brown Ball Pythons and sell them as Shit Balls (update: I guess they are already out there but sold as "chocolate balls", L, here's hoping someone comes up with a blue morph). Step Four: Market your defective creation. Get some good pictures of your animals and write up a how-to on them showing that the trait is heritable and that the animals are awesome. If pictures don't show just how awesome your animals are there is always Photoshop. Make sure to use the words "investment quality" a couple of times. Now submit the article to the trade magazines and post a version of it to your website and to online classifieds. Step Five: Watch the money roll in. It's just that easy! Okay, maybe its not easy, but that is the basic blueprint. Now for the disclaimer: Any time you buy an animal with the intent to sell offspring it is a gamble. Will it eat? Will it produce viable offspring? Will anyone want them? If you are dealing with a morph you can add: is its appearance genetic and thereby heritable and is someone else working with this that I don't know about? Also, unless you stumble across the morph in the wild or buy it from someone uninitiated in the reptile trade you are likely to pay dearly for your mutant founder stock. As they say, "it takes money to make money". Of course they also say " a fool and his money are soon parted". Aw hell, who am I to ruin the dream? Take out that second mortgage on your house and live on ramen noodles, mac & cheese, and off brand soda so you can afford your morphs. Now get out there and join the already overcrowded field of breeders catering to the shallow interests of hobbyists. |
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15 September 2006 Crikey, look at the balls on these beauties! Like many, I learned of Steve Irwin's death early on September 4th. Since I had heard erroneous reports of Steve's death before and because I found out via the internet I had to check other sources for corroboration. And as we all know now, he is dead. The fact that Steve died doing his Crocodile Hunter thing wasn't a huge surprise, however, it turns out the exact cause of his death was. A stingray through the heart?! WTF!!! The sure money was on crocodile or venomous snake. Also shocking, were the emails that I got from friends and family asking me how his death affected me and what I thought about him. These questions were unexpected and a bit hard to answer as I wasn't a fan of Steve. I don't mean "not a fan" in the disingenuous way that people use the phrase instead of saying "I hate". I literally mean I didn't follow his show. I had seen it a couple of times when it first started to run on Animal Planet, but didn't keep watching it for two simple reasons. One, the only person I am interested in seeing out in the wild is me and two, the times I watched his show, it shared with other nature shows the flaw of having an utter lack of turtles. I mean the guy was based in Oz, is it too much to ask to see a Snakeneck? While I was looking for updates to find out what the hell happened I began seeing, among the outpouring of grief by fans, comments by contrarians. The first I ran across were a few biologists whose criticism (sometimes outright dislike) seemed to mostly stem from Steve not doing things the right way in their book. Such as; tailing snakes, not showing dangerous animals the respect their abilities deserved, getting too close to wildlife in a protected area, and having his son in his arms while feeding a croc. Basically his hands on approach to wildlife. Of course it wasn't his handling of a venomous snake or a crocodilian that got him killed. Hmmm, maybe he knew what he was doing there? Some of these "experts" made legitimate points, but they came across a little holier than thou and their timing was off. When someone is freshly dead it's hardly the relevant time make criticisms of them, it's not likely they're going to change their ways now. Well there actually is one good reason to get in there and trash the newly dead. And that reason is... you are trying to draw attention to yourself. Look at me I am on TV "news" as an "animal expert". Then there were the folks that fancy themselves herpetologists. Their main criticism seemed to be that they would so be a better choice for a TV show host if only someone would; track them down, give them a personality, a show, and then pay people to watch it. If only Animal Planet and National Geographic trolled reptile forums to find their stars. If only *sigh*. There were also a few Australians that were given airtime that didn't like Steve because they thought he presented a negative stereotype of Australians. You know optimistic, energetic, friendly, worried about conservation. The bastard! How dare he! I know I sure don't like it when foreigners think that all Americans are fat, lazy, and stupid just because some Americans are fat, lazy, and stupid. Ok, maybe it's most, but it's still wrong to stereotype. I mean Mel Gibson is Australian and I don't assume all Australians are angry drunk driving religious fanatics. But what really got my attention were comments by animal rights morons like; perennial turds in the punchbowl PeTA (known pet killers), the Humane Society of the United States (not to be confused with your local animal shelter), and wrinkled radical Germaine Greer (Greer - Australian for c**t) who all took time out of their busy schedule of being shitheads to comment on Steve's death. As for the Peta and the HSUS, I plan to cover them at some point and explain why these two groups of emotionally unstable doughnut punchers shouldn't be ignored, but definitely shouldn't be believed. For now, let me say I read comments from both organizations and I can say without hesitation SCREW YOU AND ALL THE SAD ZOOPHILES THAT MAKE UP YOUR MEMBERSHIP. Being the owner of a penis and under 50 years of age I was not familiar with Greer. Described by a couple of sources as sexy and intellectual I was shocked to find some photos of Greer. I can only imagine the comment "sexy" pertains to a Greer from an earlier time. Perhaps the days before color photography was invented. Another possibility is the author of this misleading adjective is one of the people keeping old lady porn in business. The label intellectual held up equally as unwell after finding some quotes of Greer's. It must be sad when your revolutionary ideas are old news, your relevance has faded faster than your looks, your opinion is as unappealing as your withered old woman parts, and the only way you can get attention is by pissing on someone's grave. So far this has been about how I feel about people that didn't like Steve. How did I feel about him? I didn't know him personally and I didn't watch his show so I knew I wasn't going to miss him, but I could sympathize with his family and friends that would. There was also that base feeling that you get when someone famous dies. The not so gentle reminder that no matter who we think we are, one day we all take the dirt nap eternal. This feeling is the opposite of when someone infamous dies and we collectively sigh and say "good riddance", or "about damn time". I didn't feel the latter about Steve. In the few times I watched his show or saw him in an interview, he came off like a good guy that was genuine and genuinely interested in animals and their wellbeing. In one of his shows, I think he was in Africa, he found a snake that he couldn't positively ID and before he handled it, he consulted a field guide. Always good advice and nice to see someone not pretending to know it all. From the bits of his shows that I remember he never gave me the impression that what he did was safe or something that I should run out and try. Finally I started thinking about the people that I have met over the years that liked Steve and his show. People that told me they used to kill snakes on sight out of fear, but watched that Crocodile Hunter guy and now just leave them alone because they realize they aren't a threat and are important to the ecosystem. People that didn't formerly give two shits about reptiles in general that not only became interested enough to watch a TV show about them, but now care enough to be concerned about their conservation. Then there are the biologists, rehabbers, animal caretakers, and educators that I know that were inspired by Steve. They aren't running around in tight shorts yelling crikey, but are doing real work that benefits animals. If as Jonathan Swift said "when a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him", then Steve was a genius. A genius of himself. Maybe he was part sideshow, but he got your attention. Maybe he was a big kid in small kid's shorts, but his enthusiasm was infectious. Maybe he made mistakes, but he inspired, informed, and touched a hell of a lot of people. Whatever "sins" he may have committed I believe he did far more good than bad and the world is a little emptier without the Crocodile Hunter. |
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01 August 2006 How To Shi% A Turtle You probably translated the title one of two ways, Whichever it was, that is what I am going to talk about today. Little did I realize when I began building The Empire, that I would be as involved with shipping as I am. Originally I planned to trade my excess offspring to other breeders and dealers, or sell them at expos. Then I discovered; that many breeders are only looking to sell, dealers' trade offers are a joke, and the majority of potential keepers do not travel the country going to reptile shows. Thus began my involvement with the internet and shipping. Regardless what niche of the hobby you occupy (hobbyist, breeder, or dealer) odds are you will eventually need to send a turtle from one place to another. It is at that point that you have to decide if you will ship it or shit it. The first way takes a little thought and effort. The other way requires a total disregard for the welfare of the animal and an ignorance of the realities of shipping. SHIPPING The first thing is to select a proper carrier. This may seem counterintuitive, but without a carrier your package is going nowhere. So, what are your choices? Air carriers like Delta are only a practical option if you plan on frequently shipping larger boxes. Since 9/11/01 air carriers require that you be a "known shipper" in order to use them. This entails some paperwork and, at least in our case, a visit from a carrier representative to see if the business was what it was claimed to be. Setting up the account took some time, but maybe that has changed. We set up our account when the policy change was new and they have since had time to catch up on their backlog. On the plus side, larger boxes are cheaper to send through Delta than the package carriers and Delta has a room that they put animal shipments in that keeps them out of the temperature extremes of the cargo hanger. The downsides, other than the known shipper business, are that you have to drive to your airport to drop off and the recipient has to drive to their airport to pick up the package and it is only cheaper if you are using a tropical fish box or something even bigger. The big three package carriers; DHL, FedEx, and UPS all ship turtles, no matter what you might be told. All three require a little extra work to ship a turtle as opposed to shipping something non-living. With DHL you have to fill out a small animal waiver and with the other two you have to set up special accounts for shipping turtles (FYI - UPS will not ship other reptiles, but FedEx will ship non-venomous ones). These special accounts establish the guidelines for your packing materials and service type to be used (Next Day Air). Given the fact that most people do not know their job, it is possible for you to walk into many carrier offices and send a package out without an account. It is also possible that you will run into the person that knows the company policy or the one that believes that their company doesn't ship turtles under any circumstances. You could also go the route of some dealers and not mark what is in the box at all. I prefer to be up front in my dealings. When I run into a counter jockey that tells me they don't ship turtles it is nice to be able to show them the letter from one of their corporate offices that says otherwise. And on the rare occasion when something is late or lost, I have found that telling the customer service rep that the package contains a live turtle seems to light a fire under them. Hard to do if you aren't supposed to be shipping a turtle. So you've selected a carrier, now how to pack? You want to make sure that the package can survive something just short of the opening sequence of Ace Ventura. I approached turtle shipping the same way I did the middle school science project where I had to build a container to allow an egg to survive a fall from a high reach. Only this time I wasn't limited in the materials I could use and to an overall container weight that was less than the egg's. First you have to imagine the forces acting on your package and the turtle inside and figure out how to lessen them. Have you ever sat on a plane and watched the McDonalds® rejects load the luggage? It is like watching a track and field meet. I have seen the hammer throw, the discus, and the shot put. They just don't have time for niceties. I mean after accepting your luggage in the terminal there is barely time to stub out their joint and rummage through your things to see if there is anything worth stealing before they have to get it all out to the tarmac and launch it onto the plane. While the people working at the package carriers are a bit more professional, the boxes are not shuttled from place to place on a velvet cushion and the main danger your package is going to face is still blunt force. The answers to this are box strength and padding. You want a box with a high bursting point. You don't want something that is going to crumple if dropped or collapse if a heavy package is set on it. Something with 200 pounds or better rating (this is usually marked on the box). Crumpled newspaper can be used inside the box to surround the turtle which, depending on its size, can be in a deli cup or a cloth bag. Small turtles can go inside a well sealing deli cup with holes punched in it. Punched not poked. Holes poked into the deli can provide sharp surfaces that might cut the turtle. The holes don't need to be very large. Too big and the turtle can get its head or a leg stuck in a hole. If you do not have pre-punched delis you can use a leather or hole punch to make holes. If there is a concern that the deli might pop open then seal it with electrical tape. Larger turtles can go in a cloth snake bag of appropriate thickness. The opening can be closed by tying a knot in it, or by twisting it shut, folding it over and putting a zip tie on it. Inside the deli or cloth bag you can use more padding. In the delis I use sphagnum moss and in the bags I use wadded newspaper or paper towels. In the delis the padding keeps the turtle from from banging around the inside like a BB in a tin can. Another problem your package is likely to face is temperature extremes. Many of the delivery trucks do not have AC and the warehouses are not heated or cooled to the degree your house is, if they are air conditioned at all. My solutions to this are; insulation, air holes, cold/heat packs, and moisture. Using a Styrofoam insulated box not only protects the box's interior from undergoing rapid temperature changes it also adds to the structural strength of the box. Air holes are a no brainer and lining the inside of the box with a sheet of newspaper allows air into the box without cold air being able to come straight into the box and across the turtle. During the extremes of summer and winter cold and heat packs can be used to keep the outside temperature from having as much of an effect on the inside of the box. I never place heat packs directly against the animals. Ditto for cold packs, plus I wrap them in a sheet of newspaper to slow their heat absorption and resultant thawing. Turtles, especially small ones, are susceptible to dehydration so moistening paper towels and sphagnum help keep the turtle from drying out. More moisture for turtles and less for tortoises. You have to not only consider the temperatures where you are shipping from and to, but also be aware that the package might pass through a different temperature en route. You will want to mark the outside of the box as well. Such as; "live turtle", "perishable", "this end up", "live harmless reptile" or similar. While I believe that writing "live turtle" and "this end up" on a box gets it a little better treatment from those inclined to care, I am not under the delusion that every employee even looks at what is written on a box, let alone cares what is written. You just do what you can. Then you want to seal the package with packing tape and send it via the company's version of next day air with delivery by 1030. With later delivery you run the risk of the box sitting in the cold longer (winter) or getting cooked in the midday heat (summer). You want to ship 2nd day delivery or later? Please find a busy road and step into oncoming traffic. If you survive, repeat the procedure in your wheelchair. Repeat as many times as necessary to remove you from the gene pool. One final note on shipping. If your box is greater than 6X6X6 in dimension it might be charged by dimensional weight and not actual weight. Take the 3 dimensions of your box (if it is bigger than 6X6X6) rounding to the nearest inch and multiply them together to get cubic volume. Now divide by 194 and round the result up to the next full number. This is your dimensional weight. You will be charged according to the higher weight (dimensional or actual). SHITTING I do not recommend this manner, but it seems to be the route that many have chosen to send me turtles. Grab whatever box is handy. Maybe an old shoe box or the box your booze came in. Keeping dimensional weight in mind you might even consider using one of those matchboxes that the large matches come in. Hey, when it doesn't matter, anything goes. The goal is to keep the cost and effort of shipping to a minimum. Bursting point, what's that? If the box leaves your hands in one piece you've done your job. Now put some padding in the box, or don't. The turtle can be placed in any container available such as a soiled snake bag containing either a snake-shed and defecation for padding or maybe some fire ants to keep the turtle company on the trip. You might even decide to leave the turtle free in the box. This will give it room to stretch a leg. Plus, during the plane ride or a bumpy van ride it can bounce between opposite sides of the box like a pinball between bumpers. Wheeee! No interior container also works for multiple turtles. Knocking against other scrambling animals in the darkness is not stressful at all and it is not as if frightened animals have been known to lash out at whatever is near. Besides they have shells to absorb impact (heard that one from the master turtle tosser). There is the possibility that your turtle or turtles will work their way out of the box, but again, if they were in the box when you dropped it off then it isn't your problem. And it isn't like anything you do affects the hobby at large. Next check the weather...wait I forgot I am shitting. Some turtles come from hot places and others from places that get cold, I'm sure they will be fine. Besides, do I look like Al Roker? Close the box with whatever tape you have. Masking, duct, and scotch all work. If the box pops open during transit that is someone else's problem. Next, show up at a carrier to hand off the package. If they wont take it because of some stupid policy about meeting minimum requirements and having an account so that they can hold you accountable for the shipment, then go to another carrier until someone takes it. This is America and it shouldn't be too long before you find someone that is oblivious to their company's policies. You might even try the post office. Sure it is illegal, but much cheaper and anyway you consider ignorance of the law, including laws of nature and physics, a defense. And there you have it. This wasn't an excuse to see how many times I can work profanity into an article, as that would hardly be a challenge for a vulgarian like myself. The point is to Vent about how many turtles I have received dead or had die soon after arrival due to other people's careless shipping practices and to provide tips for those that might have to ship a turtle one day. I could have chosen another word to describe improper shipping, but ship and shit are so perfectly close in spelling and shit is also fitting as I have seen many good turtles turned to shit by people using shitty shipping. Shipping is expensive poor shipping is even more so. So if you give a shit about your turtles you wont send them in a shitty method, or accept shitty shipping from some shithead dealer. |
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01 April 2006 A Few Good Henchmen I was watching The Venture Bros the other night when it dawned on me what my life has been lacking - HENCHMEN (or, if you must - henchpersons). Motivated individuals to do my bidding, make my Will manifest, and clean turtle ponds. Having henchmen would free me up to do the needed plotting, planning, and drinking. I am more of a big picture guy and just don't have time to deal with police, government agents, and soldiers (AKA henchmen of the state). The idea of having henchmen may sound crazy. After all, I am not wealthy enough to be considered eccentric, or old enough to be written off as a doddering old crackpot. However, I believe henchmen are a prerequisite for successful domination of ones enemies (i.e. anyone that rubs me the wrong way). Don't agree? Then name for me one President, Prime Minister, mustachioed dictator, organized crime boss, or wild-eyed bearded-believer in the One-True-Super-Sky-Daddy that has risen to prominence without henchmen... ...Times up! You can't, can you? Henchmen are a necessity not a luxury. You might be reading this and think to yourself "I don't have what it takes to be a leader, but I think I could make a pretty good follower". Well (insert name here), odds are you would make a damn fine follower. Most people are natural born followers, while others get their follower training at schools, churches, and from television. "Is being a follower like being a henchman?" Not exactly (insert name here), the difference can be summed up by one word: commitment. Followers are just pointless spokes in the wheel of society, while henchmen are pointless spokes in the wheel that crushes my enemies. Henching takes the act of following to the extreme. So, do you have what it takes to be an Empire Henchman? The life of a henchman is not an easy one. The pay is low. Very low in fact. Actually, there is no pay. Turtles are expensive so I operate the henchmen like the privateers of old. You can keep whatever you can lay your hands on - assuming its not already mine. The hours will be long as I have a 38 year backlog of people waiting for their comeuppances. The accommodations are nonexistent. The last thing I want is a bunch of idiot henchmen hanging around when they are off duty. You'll be activated as needed. In addition you will only be known by your number. That allows me to give orders more quickly in the heat of battle and it also allows me to honestly tell the authorities that I don't know a mr/mrs (insert name here). Ah yes, the police. There is a good chance that doing my bidding may cause you to do time in the appropriately named "pokey", also appropriately known as the "slammer". Think of jail time as character building and an opportunity to get a cool tattoo and maybe some legal training. Keep an eye out for god in one of his many forms as he is often found in prison. Beyond that, you may expire in some comically pointless manner, or perhaps I might terminate you myself due to your incompetence. If these eventualities do not concern you and you think you have what it takes: an unshakeable faith in my undeniable greatness, the ability to follow orders no matter how irrational, and a high pain threshold, then you are ready to become an Empire Henchperson. You'll be able to bask in my greatness and be part of something larger than yourself (like my greatness). You'll enjoy a sense of family and esprit de corps as you mete out punishment to my adversaries. You'll get valuable training in the fields of; pond cleaning, turtle feeding, and gophering. You'll also get a cool uniform (still in production -too many sweatshops my ass!) that will drive the girls (and certain types of guys) wild. So Aim High, Accelerate Your Life, and Be All That You Can Be. The Few, The Proud, The Empire Henchpersons. ---> Also accepting applications for the position of Dr. Girlfriend. Empire of the Turtle is an
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15 October 2005 Lies, Damn Lies, and Internet Reptile Ads For our maiden voyage in the Sea of Negativity, I'd like to visit a land that has given me much irritation and hours of dark amusement: internet reptile ads. The internet has made it easier for hobbyists to deal directly with many breeders to the benefit of both. Breeders can take credit for the animals they produce while getting a better price than they would from wholesalers. Hobbyists also get a better price and they get to ask questions of the person with experience with that animal. Unfortunately, the internet has also allowed many ne'er-do-wells to attempt to make an easy buck. Often to the detriment of the animals, the hobbyists, and the hobby's reputation. The intent of this article is to cut through the little lies, the misrepresentations and the willful ignorance. I will start by defining some commonly used abbreviations and terms and give my observations on how accurately they are used, before moving on to my pet peeves with ads. This article is likely to be rewritten as future ads remind of things I have forgotten to include. WC - Wild Caught - Pretty much self explanatory. The abbreviation WC is fitting. For those of you below a certain age, WC was once used by polite society to refer to the Water Closet, or, heaven forfend, the toilet. Use of the word crapper plainly would bring about the end of civilization. But crapper pretty much sums up the situation these animals are in, between their removal from the wild and arriving at your home. What does this have to do with ads? Well, no one is likely to falsely claim that their animals are WC. However, you are likely to see ads that exaggerate the health of animals for sale. Pictures help, if you are actually seeing the animal listed, but don't allow for a full diagnosis. Recently it came to my attention that a dealer was using one of my Ocadia sinensis pictures in their ad for Ocadia. It took two emails and around ten days to get the picture pulled from the ad. The dealer claimed they didn't know the picture was my property. My question is "Why the hell were you using my picture to sell your animals when you have a digital camera and animals that you list as outstanding?". Hmmm, that's a real poser. Could be their animals weren't that outstanding. Maybe they meant out standing...in the rain. Of course, nothing is better than the morons that list animals as "great", or something similar, and post a picture of an obviously thin turtle with shell rot. Every turtle coming out of the wild needs to be quarantined (I advise at least 3 months, a year is even better) and receive some veterinary attention, even if only a fecal screening. Many need much more than that. Imported WC may spend days to weeks between collection and arriving at an export facility. No food, no water, crowded conditions and being jostled in a box or bag. The situation may not improve at the export facility or even at the import facility. Animals WC in the US, may not have been treated any better before arriving at your home (topic of "Oh The Places You'll Go. Trips To Reptile Dealers..."). Stress can lower the immune system of turtles and health conditions they might have lived with can become conditions that kill them. Add to that unnatural densities and exposure to bacteria and viruses they wouldn't encounter in the wild and you're looking at a recipe for trouble. Common problems are; malnutrition, dehydration (possibly kidney failure), bacterial infection, viral infection, parasitic infection, fungal infection, shell necrosis caused by trauma to the shell, ingestion of the fish hook used to catch the turtle, injuries caused by another turtle due to cramped quarters, and sand/gravel impaction. The last one is found occasionally in turtles coming out of food markets. Gravel is force fed, or they are injected with water, to get the turtle's weight up. This is because they are sold by the pound/kilogram. CB - Captive Bred - CB used to imply the animal was the result of captive breeding, but people began using the abbreviation to mean Captive Born, which allowed them to hide the fact that their animals were actually CH. CH - Captive Hatched AKA Captive Born - These are offspring that came from either a gravid WC animal, or from eggs dug up in the wild and hatched. The latter was done in Florida for many years on a scale that would surprise most. Once, I have a few more documents I will include that information in the "Hurry Up and Rape Eden Before They Pave it Over" article. As a breeder, that has bought WC animals to establish groups, I have had animals come in gravid. Often the eggs have been retained too long and are not viable. Sometimes the female dies from dystocia. Other times I get hatchlings. I keep any hatchlings as the male that fathered them is unlikely to be in the same lot as the female. I don't have a problem with people selling CH offspring. If you are in business and an animal comes in gravid, bonus, just be up front about what the offspring are. CBB - Captive Bred & Born - Some breeders have taken to using this to distance themselves from those that are selling CH as CB. CH animals should be healthier than a WC animal and might not be much different from a true CB baby, but there is a world of difference in the commitment it takes to produce them. Pride in stabilizing a group of WC turtles and producing quality hatchlings from them is one reason I moved to direct selling of my excess offspring. CBR - Captive Born and Raised - Maybe it is and maybe it isn't. It is amazing to me that right after I see some fresh WC on a wholesaler's new pricelist that the same species suddenly begin showing up online as captive born and raised in ads by resellers. It is especially interesting when it is a species that you hardly ever see for sale and then a shipment comes in and (BAM!), suddenly everyone has these CBR animals for sale at the same time. Isn't the world full of coincidences? Farmed or Ranched - There are places that produce turtles and tortoises that can be classified as ranched or farmed. A number of farms in the US produce the common Sliders, Cooters, Maps, Snappers, and Softshells. There are also a few places in Asia that produce turtles and tortoises and a couple in South America that produce Cherryhead Redfoots, and Venezuelan Redfoots. However, I have seen plenty of imports come in as "farmed" and "ranched" from other sources that can be nothing other than WC. Farmed implies CBR, which, if true, would imply better conditioned animals and less strain on the wild populations. Some of these "farmed" animals are cherry with perfect natural growth, but most are riddled with parasites and many bear the scars of living in the wild. At most these animals may have spent time on a farm before being exported. Cherry picked - This is when someone goes to a dealer and picks through fresh WC to get the healthiest and/or best looking animals for resale. Not a bad thing, unless they cherry pick and turn around and misrepresent the animals as CBR. LTC - Long Term Captive - Unless you know the specifics, this is useless information. Some dealers are so amazed that anything continues to live under their care for a few months that suddenly it is a LTC. Even if it is a truly "long term captive" of a few years, it might not mean much. Is it an old breeder past its prime, or has it been in the long term care of someone that doesn't know what they are doing? What's Long Term? Let the buyer decide and list the actual amount of time (as close as you know) that the animal has been in captivity. Bona fide Scientific Facility - Bona fide shit is more like it. I saved my harshest language for the most deserving bullshitters. I have seen a couple dealers trying to make this claim. It is obvious from reading between the lines in their ads that this is nothing more than an attempt to get around the 4" rule (topic of "I've got your 4" Law Right Here"). Well, that, and to give customers the impression that the "facility" is clean and working towards some higher purpose. The only science applied is economics. Specifically, how to spend as little as possible on housing and care while making as much as possible. And, by the way to the morons using this tactic, the bona fide scientific exemption in the 4" law applies to the purpose of the sale, not the scientific quality of the seller. Proven - This is often used in "proven pair", or "proven breeder". These should mean that it is a pair, or single animal that has produced viable offspring in the past. Instead it often is used in a manner that should translate as "Duh, I am able to sex these", or "It came in gravid and eggs fell out of it". The word proven has proven to be a misused term; just as many dealers have proven they can't tell their arses from a hole in the ground. Gravid - This means containing eggs. I have seen animals listed for sale where the seller claims "is gravid now", or "probably gravid". Pardon my ignorance Slappy, but why are you selling it? Wouldn't it be better for you and the animal to wait? Since you are in business, I would think you would want to hatch and sell her offspring. Or, if you gave a damn about the animal you wouldn't ship it gravid where it might either void and destroy its eggs in transit, or end up retaining them, due to the stresses of travel and of a new environment, and die from dystocia. More often than not, I am sure the dealer has made no effort to ascertain if the turtle is truly gravid. This is nothing more than wishful thinking and an attempt to make buyers believe they will get more than they'll pay for. Adoption - I am not talking about the organizations that take in abandoned, neglected, or confiscated animals and find homes for them. Some of them charge a fee to cover their costs and that is justified. I am talking about the people adopting out hatchlings and charging a fee suspiciously similar to normal market price for said hatchling. This is nothing more than another attempt at circumventing the 4" law and unlikely to fool the FDA. What these "adoption" businesses are doing is putting more hatchlings, of species already overrepresented in captivity, into the market. Hatchlings of species which are likely to end up at a real adoption facility down the road. Locality - If you are going to pay more for something because it is from a specific locality, you should know what the characteristics of that locality are supposed to be. There are plenty of ads claiming an origin for animals that the dealer can not justify. I have seen ads for Western Hermann's and the tortoises in the picture bear none of the traits of Testudo h. hermanni. I was once offered a pair of Sicilian Worms, "they're from Sicily" I was told. In fact they were Caecilians and from South America. The seller must have bought them over the phone and heard the name, but didn't check it out and was content to pass it along as fact. Another recent example involves tortoise hatchlings advertised as coming from specific locale stock. It is obvious from reading their B.S. that they have zero way to substantiate this claim. To make the whole thing more ludicrous, only half the breeding group is from this supposed locale and the rest are from another country. So what are these offspring worth? Well according to the dealer over 2X as much as the normal price for that species. Location - This is the location of dealer. Too many use this space to inform you that they ship within the US or a more limited area. This is a pet peeve of mine. There is enough space to list your location and your shipping range. I understand not giving specific addresses. I only give a general location as I do not have a storefront and I don't want people visiting my collection when I am not around. It would be tragic if I found someone helping themselves to my turtles. Tragic, brief and a little messy. But at least people know my general area in case they want to arrange to meet somewhere to pick up animals. Another downside of getting no location or one as general as USA (Why not put Earth? Morons!), is that you don't know if you are unknowingly breaking the law. Once, I was just about to paypal for some Wood Turtles I found online, when it came up in conversation with the seller that he lived in a state the turtles are protected in. When I backed out of the sale, the seller tells me "I have had these since before they were protected". That probably covers him to be in possession of them, It doesn't cover him to sell them or me to buy them. It accidentally came up in conversation. I hadn't asked where he was located as I assumed only a moron would advertise something online they shouldn't. Experience since then has taught me that plenty of people are ignorant of their laws and others think the internet gives them anonymity and free reign to do what they want. There are enough animals being laundered without directly contributing to illegal collecting. By laundered, I mean animals are collected in states where they are protected and moved to a state where they are not. Then they are listed and sold as CBR and LTC. Ever notice in the spring how many people suddenly have adult Wood and Spotted Turtles for sale? Of course all of them are CBR or LTC. You would think all these "breeders" selling their collections would wait until they have their last clutch of eggs before selling off their stock. Shipping - The USPS does not ship turtles! If you ship turtles through UPS without the specific account, you are breaking UPS' rules. If you ship though the Post Office, you are breaking a law. Bit of a difference there. Investment Quality - This one I dislike on general principles. I don't think of my animals as an investment and those that do are usually talking about a hybrid or morph. Another of my not favorite things. Hyperbole - Is it really necessary to have all the hype? Can't the facts speak for themselves? List the details and post a picture. Picture doesn't do it justice? Get a better camera or take a photography class. "Unique colors, you've never seen anything like these". No, not since the last time I hatched a clutch of that species. "WOW, Amazing, Super Rare, Incredible", used by one dealer in just two ads to describe animals you would find by going though the farmed sliders at a wholesaler's. "You never see these". No, not as often as a Red-eared Slider, but I do see them for sale from time to time. "CB Russian Tortoises. First time ever". You mean for you? Hey, you're the same assholes that were using my picture to sell your outstanding Ocadia. "These wont last"...in your collection. "End of season sale", my prices were too high and I need to sell these. "You wont see these again", until we place another order. You can throw into this category all of the made up color variety names that are used to describe the normal variation in color of a species. Venomoid - This doesn't concern turtles, but I see venomoid snakes online and at shows. True Venomoid animals are the result of the removal of the venom glands by a veterinarian (FYI, students of Lamarck, venomoid do not breed true -its called genetics- look it up). Often what you find are actually defanged animals (FYI, fangs grow back), and too often ones that have been defanged with pliers. Whether it is involves the removal of the venom glands or the fangs, by a veterinarian or not, I consider these animals mutilated. If you are afraid of handling venomous; get a corn snake, or stick to looking at pictures of venomous. In summary, take everything you read with a grain of salt. Unless it is on this site, where everything is the gospel truth. Do some homework so that when you ask questions you have something to gauge answers by. Check online forums that discuss dealers. One is at http://turtleforum.com "The Good Bad and the Ugly", and another is http://www.faunaclassifieds.com/forums/mainpage.php "The Board of Inquiry". Whenever possible buy at a reptile show. You get to check the animal out and get a better feel of what the dealer is like. That way you are less likely to get burned if you buy from them online later . |
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